Random Roommates

When signing up for housing you may feel a bit hesitant about moving in somewhere, especially if you are signing up to live with a bunch of randoms. Which you should be, as your odds of ending up with someone descent are worse than the odds of staying awake during church.

Remember star wars kid? Last summer I moved in with him. Except that the boy that we all loved as a golf ball retriever dancer had decided to dedicate himself full time to supporting the Japanese anime industry instead of investing his time working to perfect Yoda's double backflip reverse. I think he was taking the summer off to find himself. He wasn’t working, going to school or having friends, rather he would spend every waking hour and more than half of the sleeping hours locked in the apartment watching Asian cartoons. This didn’t bother me tremendously. I just knew never to bring women back to my apartment and to not plan on spending any time there myself whatsoever.

One day I stopped in for a brief moment to get my shotgun. Unfortunately, so-and-so was awake and as I was trying to rush out he says to me, “You know you’re not supposed to have guns here.”

“Neat,” I responded.

“But I’m not going to tell anyone… I have my rapier. I use it to cut watermelon sometimes.”

Thanks for that comforting moment we shared. I hope there is never another one.

This latest semester my best friend, Jake, and I again tried our luck at random roommates. I got lucky and we were placed with Josh, a solid kid that was trying to better the world by bringing good looking girls around the apartment, making fun of the disabled, and entertaining me with youtube videos of cats being thrown off buildings. A few weeks later we were notified that we would have one additional roommate, Thomas, who would be moving in that next day.

I wasn’t here when Thomas arrived. But when he did, my friend Jake was in the kitchen cooking up some oodles of noodles when Thomas walked in. “Hi, I’m Tommy.”

Jake took one look at the kid. Decided that the safety of the kitchen had been compromised, marched back to his bedroom, loaded his Springfield .40 caliber XD, and sat on his bed dreading what might happen should that door open. I then received a phone call. “What is this child rapist doing in our house? I’m terrified.”

“Yeah they said that we were getting a new roommate today. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“Dude, I’m moving away, like, today.”